Changes

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

Ok, this definitely makes me sound like a bad person. The changes that are happening in our life aren't negative by any means but when I first got a positive result I admit everything negative about this change flooded my mind.

We are pregnant with baby number two.

Four years and three miscarriages after baby number one.

Grand total of 7 miscarriages and 1 amazing little girl to call my own.

When I saw that blue line pop up my immediate reaction was "Great, i'm going to have another miscarriage." Talk about a negative right? Well, looking at my history can you really blame me? Of course I had to take another test and this one was blue before I was even off the potty. (You are most welcome for that visual aid) I started to get hopeful and excited. The only time that has happened is with our daughter. Hope started blossoming. Then I started thinking about Lilly and all the time we share together and our amazing relationship and got scared. I don't want things to change. I love my life just the way it is. I don't want Lilly to feel neglected or less loved. I don't want my body cut open for the nth time. I don't want sleepless nights, poopy diapers, bottles, 40lb diaper bags, and the loss of our new found freedom.

Told you I sound like a bad person. I'm going to blame it on hormones, morning sickness, and a desire to protect Lilly.

I called the doctor and they wanted to do the usual blood work. Off I went and when I saw them on my caller ID I immediately prepared myself for bad news. Buuuuut there was only good news. My numbers were high and looked great. We are going to do the second panel and double check. Ok, that's when i'll get the bad news. I sound pessimistic but i've heard 7x more bad news than good so try to give me a break. They called again and I got good news again. We made an appointment for an ultrasound and a check up. I think I was (am) in shock. I numbly agreed on the time and hung up. With one of my miscarriages I got to the ultrasound appointment at 8 weeks to only find another loss. I was not looking forward to this appointment as much as I was looking forward to it.

The day of my appointment arrived and I was feeling way more nauseous than my morning sickness accounted for. I had to go through my history and paperwork before the ultrasound thus prolonging my misery. I really dislike telling people my history. Not because i'm ashamed or afraid to by any means. It's the look of horror or pity on people's faces that I hate the most. It's a confirmation of my personal hell and I abhor it.

Well we made it to the ultrasound and Steve got there to join us. I put on my armor and marched in battle ready and prepared for the worst. The screen lit up and we saw our little peanut. My breath caught. Ok, the baby is there. The yolk sac is there. Where's the heartbeat. Oh. My. Gosh. There it was. Our little baby's heart beat pulsing away in a beautiful pattern of light. It looked so strong. The tech said that we should be able to hear it so she angled it, turned up the sound, and let us listen to the most beautiful thump thump i've heard since Lilly's first ultrasound. 123 heart beats per minute. Anything over 90 has a 95% success rate.

THAT is when it hit me. We are going to have a baby. My heart was expanding to form a love bond with this little peanut in my belly. Lilly is going to have a brother or a sister. She is currently rooting for a  "brudder".

Even though this started out so negatively for me I now have an expanding heart, expanding hope, expanding dreams, and expanding desire for this new addition to our family. Things change but sometimes that change can make you a little better, a little stronger, and a little more loving. I know this baby will do all those things and more for me.